There's an App for that

There's an App for that
.......................................


Need 40 winks?
There's a nap for that

Baby bum stinks?
There's a nappy for that

Hip packing up?
There's an op for that

Piddling pup?
There's a mop for that

The smartphone essential
Your fingertipped friend
Soon to be just gestures
Where will it all end

For dating or hating
And rating or slating
For blogging and tweeting
Or quiz night cheating

Your phone or my phone
The Android or iphone
To gamble to ramble
To buy or to sample

For music or movies
Or finding your car
For tickets or vouchers
Or mapping the stars

When lost by location
Or lost in translation
When comparing prices
Or last minute crises

For gaming or flaming
Or naming and shaming
For caring or sharing
Or something more daring

When wheeling or dealing
Diagnosing or healing
Checking sports scores and news feeds
Or MP3 stealing

There's an app for that.

S P R I N G C L E A N I N G

SPRING CLEANING

The fireball glow, the planets battery
Spring awakes with flowering flattery
Beast and insect re-emerge
Hastened by a primal urge

Nests aflow with hungry beaks
Melting snow 'pon thawing peaks
Mother natures still alive
But for how long will survive?

Once clear crystal, streams tainted grey
Unsafe to all for many a day
Ozone holes as large as the US
Is this what mankind calls progress?

The food is cloned the livestock too
Not long now until me or you
War zones, conflicts, terrorist acts
Religions viewed through cataracts

We had our turn and really blew it
Let's leave the nature kingdom to it
We've once chance left to save the place
Eradicate the human race

Product of Society

Circus of Life and Death

Well I wrote this verse in the back of the hearse
On the way to meet my maker
He's a big bad Devil goes by the name Neville
And I think he lives in Jamaica

The story begins when I was juggling pins
As a member of a travelling circus
I shared a caravan with The Worlds Strongest man
An Irish vegan called Fergus

We used to dine each night with the dwarves by candlelight
And sometimes with the bearded lady
But her table habits stunk and her beard was full of gunk
And the gin made her real unsteady

Well one fateful night during an elephant dung fight
I hit one of the Siamese Twins
She tumbled to the ground also dragging her sister down
And cracked her skull on my box of pins

Now the Ringmaster was crying cos he really had been trying
To pimp the twins out for a fee
They had 1 breast too many and a double jack n danny
And a marriage offer from Thierry Henry

Well they were taken to the wizard a cross-dresser called Izzard
To see if the twins could be saved
He said that ones a goner but with the other hanging on 'er
Lets just hope that Thierrys depraved

So my fateful nights result was a boxing kangaroo court
Where I was tried for half a murder
In my own feeble defense I said the dung was much to dense
And the guilt lies with the elephants feeder

Well much to my suprise I was struck between the eyes
With a tin of Prime Elephant Chow
But just before collapse I saw the flutter of tent flaps
And Papa Lazarou said your my toy now

For the next month and a bit I lived in the Tiger pit
Surrounded by death in orange stripes
But I soothed the giant cats with my old song and dance acts
And Beatles classics on the panpipes

But sadly from the tigers Id contracted extinctitus
A disease of greed which has no cure
So the knifethrower named Mendov gave me a circus send off
And stuck me to a health centre door

So now I lie dead writing yet still happily delighting
In the life I lived on the road
But heed this word of warning as you go about your morning
Always double-check an elephants load!

ICE COLD n BOLLOX

ICE COLD n BOLLOX

i live in an igloo
except its made of bricks
my igloo dwelling neighbours
are icy stupid pricks

they try to melt my resolve
with loud all night R & B
but I usually keep my cool
until sometime after 3

then I pick up my trotsky stick
and meander to next door
now my freezers is full of chav heads
and peace prevails once more

John Cooper Clarke

John Cooper Clarke

John Cooper Clarke
Edgy n Dark
Words Fuckin Harsh
Spat Rhyming Bark

Cooper Clarke John
Found Herewhon
Pinned up his veins
Normal Life Gone

Clarke. John. Cooper
Fuckin Trooper
Kicked the habit
Fuckin Super!

John Cooper Clarke
Made his Mark
Salfords finest
Literary Lark

Love Was . . . La Puta Perfecta?

Love Was . . . The Perfect Bitch


Well you just met a new woman

Shes like a gift to all mankind

She so beautiful and gracious

You leave your senses far behind

She makes your heart beat ever faster

Shes just so wonderful and kind

Wake up and smell the church bells!

Shes gonna rob ya blind!


Your friends'll never see you

"Coz theyre all lazy drunk scum"

An you can turn that pissin football off

Your making dinner for her mum

And when you want a new shirt

Shes gonna pick the one you suit

You'll never ever look cool again

Just a bullied frightened mute


But you love her

Adore her

Youd do anything for her

(But she wont let you do 'that'

When shes bleeding from the tw...tuppence)


You left a wet towel on the floor

Get ready for the 3rd World War

Shes short of change "wheres your jeans?"

Says she borrowed a quid (but she stole 18)

Accuses you of looking at the shop girls arse

When she drags you out buying her Wonderbras

She insists on pets even though youve allergies

10 cats later and your riddled with fleas


She wants a car, you get a loan

4 wheels 4 more excuses to moan

She wants a fortnight in Acapulco

You can only afford camping in Llandudno

A night at the flicks, maybe a horror fright

No its a Jane Eyre special that lasts all night

She wants she asks she needs, demands

Youve no skin left on your providing hands


But you love her

Adore her

Youd do anything for her

(But she wont let you do 'that'

When shes ..... got the painters in)


And then one day she talks of kids

Your balls retract, to your eyelids

But what the hell, she aint that bad

Though she spent every penny you ever had

So you phone the church set the date

But your best man best not dare be late

And then one Saturday around 4

You sign your life away forevermore


And years later you realise

As you gaze into your tired eyes

That without her your life would be

A probable untidy drunk tragedy

So you drag her close and hold her tight

And promise her a special night

You thank her though she's not sure why

She just knows that she loves her guy


And you love her

Adore her

Youd do anything for her

And if sex tonight looks bleak

You'll happily wait til next week